Friday, February 20, 2004
My Daily Activities
7:45AM - wake up after having hit snooze at least 4 times
8:15AM - dash into work and try and quietly get settled because I am late again, even though I live across the street
8:16AM - start e-mailing and blogging
8:17AM - put on my walkman to listed to the Jamie and Danny show
8:20AM - my phone rings and I am annoyed that my e-mailing has been interrupted
8:25AM - resume e-mailing
9:00AM - eat a bagel (or two)
9:15AM - ponder why i am such a fat fuck that i eat so many bagels
10:00AM - bathroom break, walk really slowly so that it eats up some extra minutes
10:03AM - return to my depressing cubicle, check my e-mail. open some spreasheets, randomly click on files to look extremely busy
10:30AM - stare off into space... think to myself, "i hate my job. where has the last two years of my life gone? i wonder if there are any more bagels in the building?"
11:00AM - Jamie and Danny show ends. remove walkman and store in desk drawer
11:15AM - start working on projects. this involves data entry, simple math, lots of spreadsheets and databases
11:20AM - phone rings, it's the person i dread most, someone from a different department who talks just like lumberg from office space and wants me to put together some data for them. "m'kay? thanks a bunch..."
11:30AM - i remember i am supposed to submit all new kids to our district for IDs from the state of colorado. shit! better get right on this...
11:31AM - staring into space again
11:57AM - i stop staring into space and start submitting kids for new IDs
12:16PM - ooooh! it's time for lunch! peace out!
12:17PM - run to my car, drive 20 feet and arrive at my apartment. lay down on the couch and watch mo-po (aka maury povich)
12:19PM - i start feeling bad for the people on the show. no one knows who their baby's daddy is. that's so terrible. then i think, i bet these people don't even jobs, let alone boring, stupid jobs like me. this makes me feel even worse.
12:30PM - switch to ambush makeover show or classmates show. this usually makes me feel better
1:30PM - i've stretched my lunch hour more than an hour, so i hop in my car and drive 20 feet back to the office. usually there are no parking spaces left so i park illegally or i'll feed a meter. yes, i know i am lazy.
1:31PM - check my e-mail. yay! i've got mail!
2:00PM - do some more work. kinda.
2:15PM - bathroom break. to change things up, i walk to the bathrooms on the other end of the building. (FYI: my office building is a fucking DUMP. the bathrooms are disgusting. when you walk in, it's like getting socked in the face by the smell. ew ew ew... i hate it...)
3:00PM - beth gets off work. my e-mailing pretty much stops. i start doing work or else just surfing the internet. but a lot of the good sites are blocked. can't a gal get a little porn now and then?! come on!!!
3:30PM - only one hour to go. stand up, do a little dance. "one hour! one hour!"
4:00PM - check my online banking to make sure i haven't overdrawn my accounts. usually it's okay. sometimes i have. if i have, i get on the phone and call the bank and cry until they refund the fees they've charged.
4:25PM - close enough! i'm outta here!!! see ya, wouldn't want to be ya!!!!
7:45AM - wake up after having hit snooze at least 4 times
8:15AM - dash into work and try and quietly get settled because I am late again, even though I live across the street
8:16AM - start e-mailing and blogging
8:17AM - put on my walkman to listed to the Jamie and Danny show
8:20AM - my phone rings and I am annoyed that my e-mailing has been interrupted
8:25AM - resume e-mailing
9:00AM - eat a bagel (or two)
9:15AM - ponder why i am such a fat fuck that i eat so many bagels
10:00AM - bathroom break, walk really slowly so that it eats up some extra minutes
10:03AM - return to my depressing cubicle, check my e-mail. open some spreasheets, randomly click on files to look extremely busy
10:30AM - stare off into space... think to myself, "i hate my job. where has the last two years of my life gone? i wonder if there are any more bagels in the building?"
11:00AM - Jamie and Danny show ends. remove walkman and store in desk drawer
11:15AM - start working on projects. this involves data entry, simple math, lots of spreadsheets and databases
11:20AM - phone rings, it's the person i dread most, someone from a different department who talks just like lumberg from office space and wants me to put together some data for them. "m'kay? thanks a bunch..."
11:30AM - i remember i am supposed to submit all new kids to our district for IDs from the state of colorado. shit! better get right on this...
11:31AM - staring into space again
11:57AM - i stop staring into space and start submitting kids for new IDs
12:16PM - ooooh! it's time for lunch! peace out!
12:17PM - run to my car, drive 20 feet and arrive at my apartment. lay down on the couch and watch mo-po (aka maury povich)
12:19PM - i start feeling bad for the people on the show. no one knows who their baby's daddy is. that's so terrible. then i think, i bet these people don't even jobs, let alone boring, stupid jobs like me. this makes me feel even worse.
12:30PM - switch to ambush makeover show or classmates show. this usually makes me feel better
1:30PM - i've stretched my lunch hour more than an hour, so i hop in my car and drive 20 feet back to the office. usually there are no parking spaces left so i park illegally or i'll feed a meter. yes, i know i am lazy.
1:31PM - check my e-mail. yay! i've got mail!
2:00PM - do some more work. kinda.
2:15PM - bathroom break. to change things up, i walk to the bathrooms on the other end of the building. (FYI: my office building is a fucking DUMP. the bathrooms are disgusting. when you walk in, it's like getting socked in the face by the smell. ew ew ew... i hate it...)
3:00PM - beth gets off work. my e-mailing pretty much stops. i start doing work or else just surfing the internet. but a lot of the good sites are blocked. can't a gal get a little porn now and then?! come on!!!
3:30PM - only one hour to go. stand up, do a little dance. "one hour! one hour!"
4:00PM - check my online banking to make sure i haven't overdrawn my accounts. usually it's okay. sometimes i have. if i have, i get on the phone and call the bank and cry until they refund the fees they've charged.
4:25PM - close enough! i'm outta here!!! see ya, wouldn't want to be ya!!!!
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Common Misconceptions About Vegans
1. if you constantly take meat and rub it on your tongue but don't actually eat it, you are not a vegan
2. not all vegans fantasize about soy products while they masturbate, just most of them
3. if your entire diet consists of breads and bagels, you are not vegan; you are a fat fuck
4. not all vegans are boring people, just most of them
5. not all vegans work at the post office, either
6. no matter what a vegan may say, smart deli meat tastes like rotten asshole
7. some people think that cows are responsible for the depeletion of our o-zone layer, but in actuality vegans produce exponentially more methane gas than cows. also, vegan gas tends to be more a lot more rank and a lot wetter than bovine gas.
8. the average vegan spends 20% of their waking life on the shitter
1. if you constantly take meat and rub it on your tongue but don't actually eat it, you are not a vegan
2. not all vegans fantasize about soy products while they masturbate, just most of them
3. if your entire diet consists of breads and bagels, you are not vegan; you are a fat fuck
4. not all vegans are boring people, just most of them
5. not all vegans work at the post office, either
6. no matter what a vegan may say, smart deli meat tastes like rotten asshole
7. some people think that cows are responsible for the depeletion of our o-zone layer, but in actuality vegans produce exponentially more methane gas than cows. also, vegan gas tends to be more a lot more rank and a lot wetter than bovine gas.
8. the average vegan spends 20% of their waking life on the shitter
Easy Ways to Prevent Painful UTI
1. keep your crotch sqeaky clean
2. pee after sex
3. drink cranberry juice
4. do not exercise while wearing a thong
5. drink blueberry juice
6. never, ever hold it... just go, man.
7. always wipe front to back
1. keep your crotch sqeaky clean
2. pee after sex
3. drink cranberry juice
4. do not exercise while wearing a thong
5. drink blueberry juice
6. never, ever hold it... just go, man.
7. always wipe front to back
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Words Hethy Doesn't Know How to Spell
1. random ("ramdom")
2. necklace ("neclase")
3. squint ("skwint")
4. ruffle ("ruffel")
Plenty more to come, I'm sure...
1. random ("ramdom")
2. necklace ("neclase")
3. squint ("skwint")
4. ruffle ("ruffel")
Plenty more to come, I'm sure...
Friday, February 13, 2004
Top Ten Worst Valentine's Day Presents
1. diet pills
2. herpes
3. left over christmas candy
4. soap-on-a-rope
5. the clap
6. divorce papers
7. genital warts
8. corn nuts
9. flowers stolen from a cemetary
10. crabs
1. diet pills
2. herpes
3. left over christmas candy
4. soap-on-a-rope
5. the clap
6. divorce papers
7. genital warts
8. corn nuts
9. flowers stolen from a cemetary
10. crabs
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Top Five Reasons Why Hethy Barmon's Passwords Are All Sexual...
1. she is a wannabe vegan and misses the meat in her life
2. she is controlled by her firecrotch
3. it's just part of being jewish
4. v-day is right around the corner
5. lists make her frisky
1. she is a wannabe vegan and misses the meat in her life
2. she is controlled by her firecrotch
3. it's just part of being jewish
4. v-day is right around the corner
5. lists make her frisky
Famous People I've Run Into Randomly
1. Henry Winkler helped me find my flight on the board at LAX. I looked up and said, "Hey! You're Henry Winkler!" At least I didn't say, "Hey! You're Fonzie!"
2. Gallagher was on my TWA flight from LA to St. Louis. He was traveling with a really hot girl, but he was flying coach... on TWA. Poor Gallagher. Maybe he's just frugal.
3. Andy Dick was walking down the street in Denver and I was driving by in a taxi. Now, I recognized him because I went to see his stand-up act earlier that night. But, I yelled out the taxi window, "Heeeeeyyy! Andy Dick!!! You're so funny! I love you!" and he yelled back "Thanks! Come see my show!"
4. Ed McCaffrey, dreamboat of the Denver Broncos, was shopping at Cherry Creek mall. He dresses very well. I swooned.
5. Kevin Costner was at Coors Field for the All Star game I went to. My dad got us really good seats right behind homeplate and I just caught a glimpse of him down below in the hallway to the locker rooms.
1. Henry Winkler helped me find my flight on the board at LAX. I looked up and said, "Hey! You're Henry Winkler!" At least I didn't say, "Hey! You're Fonzie!"
2. Gallagher was on my TWA flight from LA to St. Louis. He was traveling with a really hot girl, but he was flying coach... on TWA. Poor Gallagher. Maybe he's just frugal.
3. Andy Dick was walking down the street in Denver and I was driving by in a taxi. Now, I recognized him because I went to see his stand-up act earlier that night. But, I yelled out the taxi window, "Heeeeeyyy! Andy Dick!!! You're so funny! I love you!" and he yelled back "Thanks! Come see my show!"
4. Ed McCaffrey, dreamboat of the Denver Broncos, was shopping at Cherry Creek mall. He dresses very well. I swooned.
5. Kevin Costner was at Coors Field for the All Star game I went to. My dad got us really good seats right behind homeplate and I just caught a glimpse of him down below in the hallway to the locker rooms.
Top Ten Favorite Las Vegas Moments...
(in no particular order because they were all great)
1. the photograph of hethy barmon leaping through the hula hoop
2. ed telling us all about rigor mortis
3. walking four miles in dress shoes to watch the water show and listening to hethy barmon squeal like a piggy through the whole thing
4. diane's fabulous scavenger hunt which led to marriage and the purchase of pirate panties
5. waiting in line for 3 hours at the palms because i got a von dutch hat out of it
6. the nightmares i have every night featuring squeaky from the venetian saying... "i'm gonna get you!!!"
7. adding more tequila to our yard glasses full of margaritas
8. meeting nick poulos at ra, getting to skip the line, not paying a cover, and getting to dance with nick poulos a.k.a best dancer EVER
9. the c-bomb
10. bowing everytime you say ... excalibur ...
(in no particular order because they were all great)
1. the photograph of hethy barmon leaping through the hula hoop
2. ed telling us all about rigor mortis
3. walking four miles in dress shoes to watch the water show and listening to hethy barmon squeal like a piggy through the whole thing
4. diane's fabulous scavenger hunt which led to marriage and the purchase of pirate panties
5. waiting in line for 3 hours at the palms because i got a von dutch hat out of it
6. the nightmares i have every night featuring squeaky from the venetian saying... "i'm gonna get you!!!"
7. adding more tequila to our yard glasses full of margaritas
8. meeting nick poulos at ra, getting to skip the line, not paying a cover, and getting to dance with nick poulos a.k.a best dancer EVER
9. the c-bomb
10. bowing everytime you say ... excalibur ...
My Favorite Overpriced Things to Buy...
1. Von Dutch hats
2. Juicy Couture sweatsuits (have not saved enough to afford this yet...)
3. Lancome makeup
4. Naked Food Juice
5. Coach purse (shout out to my friend hethy barmon!!!)
1. Von Dutch hats
2. Juicy Couture sweatsuits (have not saved enough to afford this yet...)
3. Lancome makeup
4. Naked Food Juice
5. Coach purse (shout out to my friend hethy barmon!!!)
Reasons Why My Co-Workers Secretly Hate Me...
1. I'm young and hot... and they are not.
2. I e-mail all day and hardly work.
3. When it's my turn to bring in treats I bring bagels with lite cream cheese and they want full fat... waaaaaaaaaaa....
4. My desk is really messy.
5. I don't even shower before I come into work anymore.
6. I'm always at least 5 minutes late even though I live across the street.
1. I'm young and hot... and they are not.
2. I e-mail all day and hardly work.
3. When it's my turn to bring in treats I bring bagels with lite cream cheese and they want full fat... waaaaaaaaaaa....
4. My desk is really messy.
5. I don't even shower before I come into work anymore.
6. I'm always at least 5 minutes late even though I live across the street.
Top Five Most Offensive Words...
1. cunt/cuntrag
2. fuckstain
3. cumbucket
4. pussyface
5. ?????????
1. cunt/cuntrag
2. fuckstain
3. cumbucket
4. pussyface
5. ?????????
This is my blog of lists... Everything is better when it's a list...
