LISTS LISTS LISTS LISTS!!!

Why I Feel Like Milton from Office Space
1. When I got back from vacation, my chair was gone. This is not the first time someone's stolen my chair, either.
2. People just walk in and out of my cubicle, taking things from shelves and storing things as they please.
3. I get a lot of the shit work.
4. Instead of hanging up my own decorations, I had to hang a big map of the city of Denver on my wall. And, it's not even a nice map.
5. All my computers are hand-me-downs and everyone else has like two new fast computers.
6. There's no window near me.
7. One person I work with always has a coffee cup in their hand when they walk around (no lie!) and they talk all cheesy. "Hey there, why don't I shoot you an e-mail? We can meet later and talk about the project. M'kay..."

Things Hethy Can Do While I Am In Mexico and Unable to Keep Her Company Via E-mail
1. work... hahaha just kidding, of course
2. figure out the answer to that awful riddle... "1,11,21,blah,blah"... Damn you and your wicked mind games, Sebastion, you evil genius!!!
3. think of things she wants to do when she comes to CO
4. blog (both definitions of the word)
5. daydream about the good old days when leg warmers and mini t-shirts were welcome at the CIS
6. read funny fake news stories at http://www.theonion.com
7. play this fun game i stumbled upon: http://www.staffersgame.com... it's really mindless and you can compete for a high score.
8. manipulate her work study students into buying her food from BC dining halls with their meal points
9. brainstorm clapping songs and songs with high pitched voices and songs with crazy synthesizer action in them... i smell a trilogy compilation in the making...
10. plunge clogged toilets
11. make another profile on match.com because the responses she got were so entertaining.
12. pick her nose, but don't let the boss see because i have a feeling that isn't part of "the whole new hethy", also i don't think that's vegetarian. ew.

Reasons Why I Hate Darque Tan Tanning Salon on Speer in Denver, Colorado
1. there is usually a long line
2. 80 percent of the time i'll take off all my clothes and hit the start button and NOTHING HAPPENS. so i have to redress and go up to the front desk and tell someone. EMBARASSING!
3. one time the door to my room didn't close and i sat up from my tanning session all naked an the door to the main hall was WIDE OPEN! EMBARASSING!
4. people come out of there looking like leather bags
5. all their tanning products are uber-expensive. like fory bucks!
6. everyone who works there is really, really, really tan.
7. i have been going every other day for the past 3 weeks. and i still look pale. what?!
8. i still can't figure out how to get the radios or the fans to work.
9. the word dark is misspelled to make is seem exotic... i guess? darque? whatever.
10. i don't even know how much i am paying for my membership. i went to inquire about prices, and the girl talked for like 30 minutes. next thing i know, i'm handing her my credit card and then walking home with a mild sunburn.

Fun Things That I Didn't Do On Saint Patrick's Day
1. wear green - i forgot and i wore black and white, so boring
2. drink green beer - i was too tired to go out
3. talk with an irish accent - i tried, but it came out sounding cajun
4. bring green rice krispy treats to work - i got up early, bought all the supplies, made the green marshmellow concoction, opened the box of cereal and DAMMIT I BOUGHT HOLIDAY RICE KRISPYS!!! they were red. it was a disaster.

Itinerary for Hethy's Fabulous Colorado Visit
Tuesday night
- Tim or Katy will pick up at the airport, because I forgot I have my first Arabic language class. So exciting...
- proceed to Sing Sing piano bar. No cover and 25 cent pints! Yaayyy!!!
Wednesday
- lunch at illegal petes.. but don't tell anyone because it's illegal.
- go to antoine du chez and get our cats waxed.
Wednesday night
- Stampede, ladies drink free, bring your cowboy hat and ride the mechanical bull
- MDC
Thursday
- go snowboarding
- wear von dutch hats all day
- Guiness party at ESPN Zone from 6:30 - 8:30... no car bombs!
- MDC
Friday
- go snowboarding again
- wear von dutch hats all day again, tell people they are on punk'd
- MDC
Saturday
- call Chili's, ask "do you have any vegetarian fare?" if they do, lunch at Chili's. if they don't, lunch at Chili's anyway because i like it. hehehehe...
- trip to whole foods where i will be schooled in the lost art of eating only soy
- MDC
Sunday
- drink all day, if the weather is nice, drink on a roof someplace.
- MDC really, really hard because this is the last day and we will show no mercy.

My Daily Activities
7:45AM - wake up after having hit snooze at least 4 times
8:15AM - dash into work and try and quietly get settled because I am late again, even though I live across the street
8:16AM - start e-mailing and blogging
8:17AM - put on my walkman to listed to the Jamie and Danny show
8:20AM - my phone rings and I am annoyed that my e-mailing has been interrupted
8:25AM - resume e-mailing
9:00AM - eat a bagel (or two)
9:15AM - ponder why i am such a fat fuck that i eat so many bagels
10:00AM - bathroom break, walk really slowly so that it eats up some extra minutes
10:03AM - return to my depressing cubicle, check my e-mail. open some spreasheets, randomly click on files to look extremely busy
10:30AM - stare off into space... think to myself, "i hate my job. where has the last two years of my life gone? i wonder if there are any more bagels in the building?"
11:00AM - Jamie and Danny show ends. remove walkman and store in desk drawer
11:15AM - start working on projects. this involves data entry, simple math, lots of spreadsheets and databases
11:20AM - phone rings, it's the person i dread most, someone from a different department who talks just like lumberg from office space and wants me to put together some data for them. "m'kay? thanks a bunch..."
11:30AM - i remember i am supposed to submit all new kids to our district for IDs from the state of colorado. shit! better get right on this...
11:31AM - staring into space again
11:57AM - i stop staring into space and start submitting kids for new IDs
12:16PM - ooooh! it's time for lunch! peace out!
12:17PM - run to my car, drive 20 feet and arrive at my apartment. lay down on the couch and watch mo-po (aka maury povich)
12:19PM - i start feeling bad for the people on the show. no one knows who their baby's daddy is. that's so terrible. then i think, i bet these people don't even jobs, let alone boring, stupid jobs like me. this makes me feel even worse.
12:30PM - switch to ambush makeover show or classmates show. this usually makes me feel better
1:30PM - i've stretched my lunch hour more than an hour, so i hop in my car and drive 20 feet back to the office. usually there are no parking spaces left so i park illegally or i'll feed a meter. yes, i know i am lazy.
1:31PM - check my e-mail. yay! i've got mail!
2:00PM - do some more work. kinda.
2:15PM - bathroom break. to change things up, i walk to the bathrooms on the other end of the building. (FYI: my office building is a fucking DUMP. the bathrooms are disgusting. when you walk in, it's like getting socked in the face by the smell. ew ew ew... i hate it...)
3:00PM - beth gets off work. my e-mailing pretty much stops. i start doing work or else just surfing the internet. but a lot of the good sites are blocked. can't a gal get a little porn now and then?! come on!!!
3:30PM - only one hour to go. stand up, do a little dance. "one hour! one hour!"
4:00PM - check my online banking to make sure i haven't overdrawn my accounts. usually it's okay. sometimes i have. if i have, i get on the phone and call the bank and cry until they refund the fees they've charged.
4:25PM - close enough! i'm outta here!!! see ya, wouldn't want to be ya!!!!

Common Misconceptions About Vegans
1. if you constantly take meat and rub it on your tongue but don't actually eat it, you are not a vegan
2. not all vegans fantasize about soy products while they masturbate, just most of them
3. if your entire diet consists of breads and bagels, you are not vegan; you are a fat fuck
4. not all vegans are boring people, just most of them
5. not all vegans work at the post office, either
6. no matter what a vegan may say, smart deli meat tastes like rotten asshole
7. some people think that cows are responsible for the depeletion of our o-zone layer, but in actuality vegans produce exponentially more methane gas than cows. also, vegan gas tends to be more a lot more rank and a lot wetter than bovine gas.
8. the average vegan spends 20% of their waking life on the shitter

Easy Ways to Prevent Painful UTI
1. keep your crotch sqeaky clean
2. pee after sex
3. drink cranberry juice
4. do not exercise while wearing a thong
5. drink blueberry juice
6. never, ever hold it... just go, man.
7. always wipe front to back

Words Hethy Doesn't Know How to Spell
1. random ("ramdom")
2. necklace ("neclase")
3. squint ("skwint")
4. ruffle ("ruffel")
Plenty more to come, I'm sure...